The Hidden Divorce: when Marriage becomes a Performance

Author: Binny Abraham, PhD

Jacob and Sarah are active couple in the church. Sarah teaches Sunday school and leads a women's fellowship in the church. Jacob plays the guitar beautifully and leads worship. He is also deeply involved in youth activities. Together, they travel in their car with their two children to church services and other events. They appear to be a blessed couple, using their talents for the Lord. However, behind closed doors, their home tells a different story.

Inside the house, Jacob and Sarah do not talk to each other. There is no cooperation, no companionship. They sleep in separate rooms, eat separately, and even cook separately. They merely co-exist under one roof. What has gone wrong? Is this the kind of family life that aligns with God’s Word?

God’s Design for Marriage

Although we often emphasise that divorce is against biblical teachings, we sometimes fail to understand the depth of what the Bible says about marriage itself. Marriage is not just a contract; it is a sacred covenant established by God. Jesus affirms this in Matthew 19:6: "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate." The Bible strongly condemns divorce (Malachi 2:16; Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:6-9) and upholds marriage as a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the Church (Ephesians 5:25-32).

However, what about couples like Jacob and Sarah, who remain legally married but are emotionally and spiritually separated? While they may not have signed divorce papers, their hearts are divided, their bond broken. Can such a marriage truly be considered a biblical marriage?

Jesus condemned hypocrisy (Matthew 23:27), and this applies to marriage as well. A marriage that is merely for outward appearance, without love, unity, and commitment, is far from God’s intention. It is not enough to avoid divorce on paper; true marital unity requires sincere love and effort.

Marriage: A Reflection of God’s Image

When God created mankind, He said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness” (Genesis 1:26). The family was designed to reflect the unity and love within the Trinity—the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Marriage should demonstrate cooperation, mutual respect, and selfless love. Yet, when couples live like strangers in their own home, they contradict the very purpose of marriage.

Marriage is not about enduring each other’s presence; it is about thriving together. While no marriage is without challenges, ignoring problems and allowing emotional distance is not God’s plan. Instead of simply existing in the same household, couples should seek restoration and healing in their relationship.

Overcoming Hypocrisy in Marriage

It is easy to serve in ministry and still neglect our spouse. However, true spiritual maturity is demonstrated first at home. Paul instructs in 1 Timothy 3:5, “If anyone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church?” Ministry should never be an escape from unresolved marital issues. Instead, a godly marriage should be a witness of Christ’s love.

Every family will face conflicts. However, avoiding or ignoring problems only deepens the divide. The Bible encourages us to seek help and restoration: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). Sharing struggles with trusted spiritual mentors, seeking counsel, and committing to prayer can bring transformation.

Practical Steps Toward Healing

Commit to Open Communication – Silence and avoidance only fuel distance. Talk honestly about feelings, hurts, and expectations.
Prioritise Time Together – Make an effort to eat meals together, pray together, and engage in shared activities.
Seek Forgiveness and Reconciliation – Unresolved bitterness leads to emotional separation. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).
Involve God in Your Marriage – Prayer and Bible study together strengthen the marital bond. A relationship built on God’s foundation will stand the test of time.
Seek Help When Necessary – If reconciliation seems difficult, seek godly counsel. The church community exists to support and guide struggling families.

A Call to Authentic Marriage

Living in a broken marriage while maintaining an outward image of unity is not God’s desire. It is time to stop pretending and start rebuilding. Let us remember Philippians 1:6, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” God is able to restore and heal any marriage that surrenders to Him.

Marriage is not just about staying together—it is about growing together. May we choose to reflect Christ’s love in our homes, living out the true purpose of marriage with sincerity, unity, and grace.